Sinking again

Well now my husband’s depression has kicked into full gear and he’s on a downward spiral. I was on the way back up and in the past, I’ve been up when he’s been down. This time I’m going back down. I hadn’t been up long enough to be stable and strong. I feel so awful. He needs me to be strong for him and I truly want to be, but I don’t think I can this time.
When we met I asked him to quit smoking before I would date him. Smoking is just something I really despise. Today he smoked a cigarette. He asked my permission, but really I didn’t have the option to say no. I tried. He just made me feel so shitty and guilty until I gave in. Now I’m disgusted. I didn’t even want to look at him when he came in. I could smell it on his breath and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
Now I’ve taken 5 paracetamol with codeine. I would’ve taken more, but that’s all we have. I also took 50 Quiet Life tablets. I kind of wish I’d overdose, but they’re just herbs so I know nothing will happen. I really wish we had more codeine. I just want to not feel anything right now.

5 thoughts on “Sinking again

  1. This touched me deeply; I know that codeine haze, the taking pills. I’ve taken so many Quiet Life tablets in my life that I’m sure my blood is made up of valerian and hops.

    The thing about feeling nothing for a while is that you still have to feel when the pills wear off. That’s the hardest lesson I’ve ever had to learn.

    Be safe.

  2. WeeGee says:

    Hello. I’m sorry that it has been a bad day for you – sometimes ‘nothing’ is the only way to go but I’m thinking of you and hoping very much that you stay safe x

  3. butterflierz says:

    I self medicate as well, it makes me tired and when I am tired I don’t think about anything. My dr. gives me tylenol 2 instead of 3’s now but I still take too many. Take care of yourself.

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