If we just pretend everything’s okay

I started out having a nice day today. I went to work and got quite a few things accomplished. I took some initiative and that made me feel even better. Tonight, I went to reflexology therapy. It was incredibly relaxing. Afterward, my husband and I went to dinner where we enjoyed a few yummy drinks and some absolutely delicious food. After that it went down hill.

At the train station on the way home, my husband pulled out a cigarette he’d rolled and asked me if he could smoke it. It hurt me so much to know that he wanted to smoke (meaning he was feeling down) after we’d had such a nice evening together. Tuesday night he asked me where the paracetamol & codeine pills were because he had a tooth ache. I can’t lie to him so I told him I’d taken them all over the course of 2 days because of the stress and being so upset about him smoking. So even knowing all that and being so upset and concerned a few nights ago, he still wanted to smoke! I wanted to snatch it out of his hand and throw it out onto the tracks. Instead we fought (not loudly). He broke it into pieces and tossed it away in anger. We made up on the train. Then he said he still wanted to roll up another one and smoke later tonight. WHAT THE FUCK?! He made me pinky swear not to take that much codeine again and asked if he needed to hide all the medication in the house. If he was really that concerned for me, he wouldn’t do the thing that’s set me off twice now. I’m not blaming him for my actions. My actions were my deliberate choice.  But my actions were a reaction to his. So you’d think he wouldn’t do it again, right? Guess not. Still he is trying to support me in most ways and he is my rock.

It’s more support than I’m getting anywhere else. Even my mother-in-law and my own parents are useless in supporting me emotionally. They mean well. They love me and don’t want to see me hurting. But saying, “You mustn’t let it get you down. Keep your chin up,” doesn’t help a god damn thing! In fact it makes me feel worse because it makes me feel like it’s my fault I feel this way. It’s not like I woke up one day and thought, “You know what? I want to feel like the deepest pile of shit in the universe. I think I’ll purposely let things get to me and will make sure to definitely not keep my chin up.”

Another thing that’s really bothering me is that I was trying to share my good evening with my dad tonight, so I took a few pics of our wonderful food and my margarita (he likes margaritas as much as I do).  He texted me back and said he was in the doctor’s office and would look at them later.  Okay, I understand that.  I asked him about half an hour ago (5 hours after the pics were sent) if he’d looked at them yet.  He said, “Not yet.  I was tired when I got home from the doctor’s so I took a nap.”  How long does it take to look at a few pictures your daughter sent you of her nice evening so you could share in her excitement?  Apparently too long… that’s time that could be spent napping.  This happens frequently.  I send them texts or pictures or try to call them on Skype (as they’re in a different country & I miss them) and they’re taking a nap & don’t look at what I’ve sent them or don’t answer the Skype call.  It hurts.  I want to be able to share my good times with them.  They don’t happen every day.  It’d be nice to know they were happy for me and interested in what I’m doing and how I’m doing.

So I guess I’ll go cry myself to sleep since I don’t have any codeine and I promised my husband not to take that much again anyway.  Yay!  What a great fucking day!

2 thoughts on “If we just pretend everything’s okay

  1. Yeesh, this is like reading myself. Codeine… I took a few (well five) a few nights ago, for no real reason other than I just wanted to escape for a little bit.

    Your husband… while part of me wants to say “hey, he smokes, leave him alone”, I really do think that give and take is important in a relationship. You two made a bargain, and you’re attempting to keep to your side, so shouldn’t he? Even if it’s an unconscious bargain, he needs to see that you can’t fight the codeine problem if he’s not willing to fight his need for nicotine.

  2. I finally realized one day that it was true, other people are not responsible for my own happiness. And as long as you keep basing your happiness on how other people react and respond you will never find joy. Yes, I know it hurts when someone doesn’t respond in the way you had hoped. I dealt with that with mother for years and years. When I finally decided to stop worrying about everyone else and consciously focus on just ME things started to get better. I focused on learning how to like, even love myself and I am finding I am becoming a better person for it. Deal with your own issues…get to the ROOT of things (there is always a root reason to our own behaviors and insecurities) Once you’re at peace with yourself you will find everything will get resolved in it’s own time. Life is too short to be worrying about what everyone else is doing or not doing.

    Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress. Everyone has their own vices. Your husband will only stop smoking when HE is ready to. Fighting about it instead of supporting each other will only get the two of you NO WHERE. We all fall. No one is perfect. Accept each other for who you truly are without judgements. I say this with nothing but love.

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