Disappearance

Yeah it’s been too long since I’ve been on here.  I’ve just been absolutely too depressed to do anything besides play this one browser-based Flash game I enjoy. 

I’ve been doing well in going in to work regularly again.  I only missed last Friday because the stupid pharmacy pissed around and didn’t get my prescription refilled in time before I ran out.  I had really bad withdrawals.  I felt sick and tingly in my face, hands & lips, and I felt so dizzy.  I felt like I might faint or puke or both at any moment.

My husband has started smoking again.  I don’t even know if he ever quit.  I’m so angry.  I know I’m not supposed to base my happiness on another person, but I’m incredibly angry and hurt.  He promised me he wouldn’t smoke again.  And he even did this whole, “You know I never break my promises” bullshit.  I’m sorry but even if I were totally secure and happy with myself… even if I weren’t depressed, I would be incredibly hurt by this.  It was a condition of us even dating.  I told him when I met him that I’d never dated and smoker and never wanted to.  I hate it so so much.  I watched my grandmother suffer incredibly and die horribly because of her smoking.  I love him so much and I don’t want to ever see that happen to anyone else I love. 

I haven’t told him I know yet.  He can tell something’s wrong, but I just don’t want him to know I know yet.  I’m not sure how I want to handle this.  I’ve been trying to find where he’s hidden them, but I can’t.  I really wish I could so I could confront him with them.  He’ll most likely just get more sneaky, though.  I knew for a few weeks at least.  I just knew.  I could smell it on him & his breath, but he said he was just standing outside with his friends who were smoking.  I really don’t know what to do.  How do I deal with this?