Crying over a stupid shampoo sample

Really? What the hell? I’m seriously crying because I can’t order a stupid shampoo sample. I can’t figure out how to change my address so the sample is now going to my old place and it’s got me truly upset. I know it’s not just the sample. It’s just something little that’s happened that’s tipped me over the edge. I feel so stupid, though. At the same time, I feel angry and sad because we’re very very tight on money so I was trying to get a free sample to help us out a little.

It’s been too long since I’ve blogged. I’ve just been busy with work and just too stressed and depressed to even blog. It’s all just so much effort. I’ve also been a little more busy than usual this week because I had 2 job interviews and I hope something comes of them, but I’ve already had 3 interviews this year that came to rejection and disappointment.  One of the jobs I interviewed for this week is something I’d really love to do, but I would only get about 10 hours a week.  That’s not nearly enough to pay the bills.  The other job is full-time, but it’s in sales so there’s a 99% chance I’ll hate it.  I just don’t enjoy sales.  I find it soul-draining.  I’ll probably get turned down for them both anyway.

Thankfully my husband has quit smoking.  I started sleeping on the couch and even ordered my own duvet.  He says he thought I didn’t love him anymore.  I was just incredibly hurt.  He stopped when I caught him (he’d been trying to keep me from seeing it) and it sent me over the edge.  I started getting dressed to leave the house.  I had no clue where I was going to go, but I had to leave for a while.  That’s when he said he didn’t ever want to cause me to walk out on him and he promised he would never smoke again.  He gave me his cigarettes and I broke them and threw them away.  So we’re sleeping in the same bed again which is nice.  I’d missed him.  He’s still stressed out, but we’re both trying to find other outlets for our stress.  I’m very glad to fully have my husband, my rock, back.

This entry is a bit scattered, I know, but that’s how my mind is working at the moment.  Scattered and fragile.  Mostly dark with a few light parts every now and then.  When will I feel like I’m not broken anymore?  When will I stop crying over shampoo samples?  When will I have hope again?

Drinking the night away

I drank again tonight.  I drank the whole bottle of wine.  It’s been ages since I’ve done that.  Thankfully, I wasn’t tempted to cut or OD despite my husband being gone.  I played a video game and chatted with a few folks on Skype.

I’m actually doing okay tonight.  Tomorrow will be a different story because I’m going to try to go back to work.  Tonight, I’m thankful for the pe0ple I’ve met online & chat with on Skype.

A little bit of help along the way

I’m still struggling.  I’m in a deep, deep place.  I’ve been letting the dishes pile up, the house get messy, and myself get filthy.  I’m having trouble managing to do anything that involves moving from my bed or my sofa.  Over the past few weeks, though, I’ve found something that’s helping me do the little daily things.  It’s called DailyFeats, a website that lets you create goals and add steps to achieve those goals.

In an attempt to cope with depression, I’ve just made general lists and have added steps (feats) to them that will help me improve.  My lists are money, health, career and clean home.  A few of my feats are turning off unused lights (to save money & energy), eating leftovers and not wasting food (to save money & help the environment), washing the dishes and doing laundry (to help keep my flat clean), and getting some sunlight and reading (to lift my mood).

It might sound silly, but it’s amazing how much it’s helping me keep myself at least in a steady place rather than falling further into my pit.  You get points for each feat you accomplish and points can be traded in for rewards like money off shopping at stores.  At the moment all the rewards seem to be American.  I’m hoping they’ll add some rewards for other countries soon or that I can find an equivalent for the UK (if you know of one, please let me know).  Right now, though, it’s not even about the rewards the website offers me.  Just having a list to remind me of things I need to do to carry on and accumulating points is reward enough.  Seeing my points go up helps me see how much progress I’m making.  It may not always feel like it, but I can see the proof on the website.  And heck, when I’m in a better place (I know I’ll get there eventually), I might even trade in my rewards and order something from America as a big treat to myself.