I’ve been feeling really shitty today. Why? Because I get stupid sometimes when I have good days and forget to take my medication. It’s been two days now since I’ve taken my meds and I’m having withdrawals. As soon as I realised at 5 p.m. today, I took them, but it’s not going into my system fast enough. I feel sick to my stomach, dizzy, very spaced out and my head feels tingly. This is awful. Not to mention, it’s causing me to sink back into my depression. I just started feeling better! Dammit!
We went to some friends’ barbecue yesterday. I had a good time, but at the end decided to open up to my friend about why I’ve been so flaky lately when she’s wanted to hang out. She meant well and thought she understood, but she got it all wrong and now thinks that I just need to be forced out of the house to cheer me up. No! That’s not going to help! It’s just going to make me feel even worse when I don’t want to go. At least she did make an attempt to understand and didn’t act like she was upset with me. I just wish people understood better that it’s not something that I just need to be cheered up from. It doesn’t work like that. I wish it did, but it doesn’t. Sorry.
So today I’m having withdrawals and am sinking back into depression as well as experiencing quite a bit of anxiety because I know that in a few days my friend will probably be calling me and trying to force me to go out with her.
Yeah. I really have. It’s nice. My husband and I had a great day in London on Tuesday and since then, I’ve been feeling really good. I went to work every day this week. I actually got things done when I was at work and I felt really accomplished.
I’ve still been not doing as much as I should to keep the house clean, though. I’m trying & have been using DailyFeats to remind me of things I can do, but I only manage one or two a day. The house isn’t nasty, but it’s untidy.
Tomorrow we’ve got some friends’ barbecue so that should be fun. It’ll give me a chance to get some sunshine and socialise with people that aren’t online. I don’t really care a thing in the world about the Queen’s jubilee stuff, but it’ll be fun to be with friends.
I had a really good day today. The whole day was spent with my husband with the exception of one hour. That hour was at a job interview. I really hope it went well. I’ve got my heart set on this job. And I really need it so we can pay the bills.
Even if I don’t get it, I won’t regret today. Being out with my husband was so fun! It’s really lifted my mood. I feel happy today!
I drank again tonight. I drank the whole bottle of wine. It’s been ages since I’ve done that. Thankfully, I wasn’t tempted to cut or OD despite my husband being gone. I played a video game and chatted with a few folks on Skype.
I’m actually doing okay tonight. Tomorrow will be a different story because I’m going to try to go back to work. Tonight, I’m thankful for the pe0ple I’ve met online & chat with on Skype.
Tonight I’ve learned that my husband isn’t going to be starting his job anytime soon. There’s some kind of hang-up in the hiring process. This means our financial troubles aren’t going to be over any time soon. I’m so excited. Can you tell?
We’re coming up on our anniversary and we can’t even afford to do anything. I feel a bit upset with him. Mostly because he spent months unemployed and not even attempting to look for a job. He just waited until one landed in his lap. It’s put us in a very sticky financial situation and I’m very anxious about it. It’s eating me up. I also feel guilty for feeling this way, especially as we near our anniversary.
So tonight I’m drinking away my sorrows. Not healthy. I know. I’m not an alcoholic. I actually hardly ever drink. But I’ll probably do this again tomorrow night. Just for some sort of relief from the anxiety and the depression and the pain. It’s either drink or go back to considering ODing and/or cutting.
I’m still struggling. I’m in a deep, deep place. I’ve been letting the dishes pile up, the house get messy, and myself get filthy. I’m having trouble managing to do anything that involves moving from my bed or my sofa. Over the past few weeks, though, I’ve found something that’s helping me do the little daily things. It’s called DailyFeats, a website that lets you create goals and add steps to achieve those goals.
In an attempt to cope with depression, I’ve just made general lists and have added steps (feats) to them that will help me improve. My lists are money, health, career and clean home. A few of my feats are turning off unused lights (to save money & energy), eating leftovers and not wasting food (to save money & help the environment), washing the dishes and doing laundry (to help keep my flat clean), and getting some sunlight and reading (to lift my mood).
It might sound silly, but it’s amazing how much it’s helping me keep myself at least in a steady place rather than falling further into my pit. You get points for each feat you accomplish and points can be traded in for rewards like money off shopping at stores. At the moment all the rewards seem to be American. I’m hoping they’ll add some rewards for other countries soon or that I can find an equivalent for the UK (if you know of one, please let me know). Right now, though, it’s not even about the rewards the website offers me. Just having a list to remind me of things I need to do to carry on and accumulating points is reward enough. Seeing my points go up helps me see how much progress I’m making. It may not always feel like it, but I can see the proof on the website. And heck, when I’m in a better place (I know I’ll get there eventually), I might even trade in my rewards and order something from America as a big treat to myself.