The only bad thing about having good days

I’ve been feeling really shitty today.  Why?  Because I get stupid sometimes when I have good days and forget to take my medication.  It’s been two days now since I’ve taken  my meds and I’m having withdrawals.  As soon as I realised at 5 p.m. today, I took them, but it’s not going into my system fast enough.  I feel sick to my stomach, dizzy, very spaced out and my head feels tingly.  This is awful.  Not to mention, it’s causing me to sink back into my depression.  I just started feeling better!  Dammit!

We went to some friends’ barbecue yesterday.  I had a good time, but at the end decided to open up to my friend about why I’ve been so flaky lately when she’s wanted to hang out.  She meant well and thought she understood, but she got it all wrong and now thinks that I just need to be forced out of the house to cheer me up.  No!  That’s not going to help!  It’s just going to make me feel even worse when I don’t want to go.  At least she did make an attempt to understand and didn’t act like she was upset with me.  I just wish people understood better that it’s not something that I just need to be cheered up from.  It doesn’t work like that.  I wish it did, but it doesn’t.  Sorry.

So today I’m having withdrawals and am sinking back into depression as well as experiencing quite a bit of anxiety because I know that in a few days my friend will probably be calling me and trying to force me to go out with her.

Great… just great

Tonight I’ve learned that my husband isn’t going to be starting his job anytime soon.  There’s some kind of hang-up in the hiring process.  This means our financial troubles aren’t going to be over any time soon.  I’m so excited.  Can you tell?

We’re coming up on our anniversary and we can’t even afford to do anything.  I feel a bit upset with him.  Mostly because he spent months unemployed and not even attempting to look for a job.  He just waited until one landed in his lap.  It’s put us in a very sticky financial situation and I’m very anxious about it.  It’s eating me up.  I also feel guilty for feeling this way, especially as we near our anniversary.

So tonight I’m drinking away my sorrows.  Not healthy.  I know.  I’m not an alcoholic.  I actually hardly ever drink.  But I’ll probably do this again tomorrow night.  Just for some sort of relief from the anxiety and the depression and the pain.  It’s either drink or go back to considering ODing and/or cutting.