Sinking again

Well now my husband’s depression has kicked into full gear and he’s on a downward spiral. I was on the way back up and in the past, I’ve been up when he’s been down. This time I’m going back down. I hadn’t been up long enough to be stable and strong. I feel so awful. He needs me to be strong for him and I truly want to be, but I don’t think I can this time.
When we met I asked him to quit smoking before I would date him. Smoking is just something I really despise. Today he smoked a cigarette. He asked my permission, but really I didn’t have the option to say no. I tried. He just made me feel so shitty and guilty until I gave in. Now I’m disgusted. I didn’t even want to look at him when he came in. I could smell it on his breath and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
Now I’ve taken 5 paracetamol with codeine. I would’ve taken more, but that’s all we have. I also took 50 Quiet Life tablets. I kind of wish I’d overdose, but they’re just herbs so I know nothing will happen. I really wish we had more codeine. I just want to not feel anything right now.