If we just pretend everything’s okay

I started out having a nice day today. I went to work and got quite a few things accomplished. I took some initiative and that made me feel even better. Tonight, I went to reflexology therapy. It was incredibly relaxing. Afterward, my husband and I went to dinner where we enjoyed a few yummy drinks and some absolutely delicious food. After that it went down hill.

At the train station on the way home, my husband pulled out a cigarette he’d rolled and asked me if he could smoke it. It hurt me so much to know that he wanted to smoke (meaning he was feeling down) after we’d had such a nice evening together. Tuesday night he asked me where the paracetamol & codeine pills were because he had a tooth ache. I can’t lie to him so I told him I’d taken them all over the course of 2 days because of the stress and being so upset about him smoking. So even knowing all that and being so upset and concerned a few nights ago, he still wanted to smoke! I wanted to snatch it out of his hand and throw it out onto the tracks. Instead we fought (not loudly). He broke it into pieces and tossed it away in anger. We made up on the train. Then he said he still wanted to roll up another one and smoke later tonight. WHAT THE FUCK?! He made me pinky swear not to take that much codeine again and asked if he needed to hide all the medication in the house. If he was really that concerned for me, he wouldn’t do the thing that’s set me off twice now. I’m not blaming him for my actions. My actions were my deliberate choice.  But my actions were a reaction to his. So you’d think he wouldn’t do it again, right? Guess not. Still he is trying to support me in most ways and he is my rock.

It’s more support than I’m getting anywhere else. Even my mother-in-law and my own parents are useless in supporting me emotionally. They mean well. They love me and don’t want to see me hurting. But saying, “You mustn’t let it get you down. Keep your chin up,” doesn’t help a god damn thing! In fact it makes me feel worse because it makes me feel like it’s my fault I feel this way. It’s not like I woke up one day and thought, “You know what? I want to feel like the deepest pile of shit in the universe. I think I’ll purposely let things get to me and will make sure to definitely not keep my chin up.”

Another thing that’s really bothering me is that I was trying to share my good evening with my dad tonight, so I took a few pics of our wonderful food and my margarita (he likes margaritas as much as I do).  He texted me back and said he was in the doctor’s office and would look at them later.  Okay, I understand that.  I asked him about half an hour ago (5 hours after the pics were sent) if he’d looked at them yet.  He said, “Not yet.  I was tired when I got home from the doctor’s so I took a nap.”  How long does it take to look at a few pictures your daughter sent you of her nice evening so you could share in her excitement?  Apparently too long… that’s time that could be spent napping.  This happens frequently.  I send them texts or pictures or try to call them on Skype (as they’re in a different country & I miss them) and they’re taking a nap & don’t look at what I’ve sent them or don’t answer the Skype call.  It hurts.  I want to be able to share my good times with them.  They don’t happen every day.  It’d be nice to know they were happy for me and interested in what I’m doing and how I’m doing.

So I guess I’ll go cry myself to sleep since I don’t have any codeine and I promised my husband not to take that much again anyway.  Yay!  What a great fucking day!

Sinking again

Well now my husband’s depression has kicked into full gear and he’s on a downward spiral. I was on the way back up and in the past, I’ve been up when he’s been down. This time I’m going back down. I hadn’t been up long enough to be stable and strong. I feel so awful. He needs me to be strong for him and I truly want to be, but I don’t think I can this time.
When we met I asked him to quit smoking before I would date him. Smoking is just something I really despise. Today he smoked a cigarette. He asked my permission, but really I didn’t have the option to say no. I tried. He just made me feel so shitty and guilty until I gave in. Now I’m disgusted. I didn’t even want to look at him when he came in. I could smell it on his breath and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
Now I’ve taken 5 paracetamol with codeine. I would’ve taken more, but that’s all we have. I also took 50 Quiet Life tablets. I kind of wish I’d overdose, but they’re just herbs so I know nothing will happen. I really wish we had more codeine. I just want to not feel anything right now.