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Disappearance

Yeah it’s been too long since I’ve been on here.  I’ve just been absolutely too depressed to do anything besides play this one browser-based Flash game I enjoy. 

I’ve been doing well in going in to work regularly again.  I only missed last Friday because the stupid pharmacy pissed around and didn’t get my prescription refilled in time before I ran out.  I had really bad withdrawals.  I felt sick and tingly in my face, hands & lips, and I felt so dizzy.  I felt like I might faint or puke or both at any moment.

My husband has started smoking again.  I don’t even know if he ever quit.  I’m so angry.  I know I’m not supposed to base my happiness on another person, but I’m incredibly angry and hurt.  He promised me he wouldn’t smoke again.  And he even did this whole, “You know I never break my promises” bullshit.  I’m sorry but even if I were totally secure and happy with myself… even if I weren’t depressed, I would be incredibly hurt by this.  It was a condition of us even dating.  I told him when I met him that I’d never dated and smoker and never wanted to.  I hate it so so much.  I watched my grandmother suffer incredibly and die horribly because of her smoking.  I love him so much and I don’t want to ever see that happen to anyone else I love. 

I haven’t told him I know yet.  He can tell something’s wrong, but I just don’t want him to know I know yet.  I’m not sure how I want to handle this.  I’ve been trying to find where he’s hidden them, but I can’t.  I really wish I could so I could confront him with them.  He’ll most likely just get more sneaky, though.  I knew for a few weeks at least.  I just knew.  I could smell it on him & his breath, but he said he was just standing outside with his friends who were smoking.  I really don’t know what to do.  How do I deal with this?

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Crying over a stupid shampoo sample

Really? What the hell? I’m seriously crying because I can’t order a stupid shampoo sample. I can’t figure out how to change my address so the sample is now going to my old place and it’s got me truly upset. I know it’s not just the sample. It’s just something little that’s happened that’s tipped me over the edge. I feel so stupid, though. At the same time, I feel angry and sad because we’re very very tight on money so I was trying to get a free sample to help us out a little.

It’s been too long since I’ve blogged. I’ve just been busy with work and just too stressed and depressed to even blog. It’s all just so much effort. I’ve also been a little more busy than usual this week because I had 2 job interviews and I hope something comes of them, but I’ve already had 3 interviews this year that came to rejection and disappointment.  One of the jobs I interviewed for this week is something I’d really love to do, but I would only get about 10 hours a week.  That’s not nearly enough to pay the bills.  The other job is full-time, but it’s in sales so there’s a 99% chance I’ll hate it.  I just don’t enjoy sales.  I find it soul-draining.  I’ll probably get turned down for them both anyway.

Thankfully my husband has quit smoking.  I started sleeping on the couch and even ordered my own duvet.  He says he thought I didn’t love him anymore.  I was just incredibly hurt.  He stopped when I caught him (he’d been trying to keep me from seeing it) and it sent me over the edge.  I started getting dressed to leave the house.  I had no clue where I was going to go, but I had to leave for a while.  That’s when he said he didn’t ever want to cause me to walk out on him and he promised he would never smoke again.  He gave me his cigarettes and I broke them and threw them away.  So we’re sleeping in the same bed again which is nice.  I’d missed him.  He’s still stressed out, but we’re both trying to find other outlets for our stress.  I’m very glad to fully have my husband, my rock, back.

This entry is a bit scattered, I know, but that’s how my mind is working at the moment.  Scattered and fragile.  Mostly dark with a few light parts every now and then.  When will I feel like I’m not broken anymore?  When will I stop crying over shampoo samples?  When will I have hope again?

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If we just pretend everything’s okay

I started out having a nice day today. I went to work and got quite a few things accomplished. I took some initiative and that made me feel even better. Tonight, I went to reflexology therapy. It was incredibly relaxing. Afterward, my husband and I went to dinner where we enjoyed a few yummy drinks and some absolutely delicious food. After that it went down hill.

At the train station on the way home, my husband pulled out a cigarette he’d rolled and asked me if he could smoke it. It hurt me so much to know that he wanted to smoke (meaning he was feeling down) after we’d had such a nice evening together. Tuesday night he asked me where the paracetamol & codeine pills were because he had a tooth ache. I can’t lie to him so I told him I’d taken them all over the course of 2 days because of the stress and being so upset about him smoking. So even knowing all that and being so upset and concerned a few nights ago, he still wanted to smoke! I wanted to snatch it out of his hand and throw it out onto the tracks. Instead we fought (not loudly). He broke it into pieces and tossed it away in anger. We made up on the train. Then he said he still wanted to roll up another one and smoke later tonight. WHAT THE FUCK?! He made me pinky swear not to take that much codeine again and asked if he needed to hide all the medication in the house. If he was really that concerned for me, he wouldn’t do the thing that’s set me off twice now. I’m not blaming him for my actions. My actions were my deliberate choice.  But my actions were a reaction to his. So you’d think he wouldn’t do it again, right? Guess not. Still he is trying to support me in most ways and he is my rock.

It’s more support than I’m getting anywhere else. Even my mother-in-law and my own parents are useless in supporting me emotionally. They mean well. They love me and don’t want to see me hurting. But saying, “You mustn’t let it get you down. Keep your chin up,” doesn’t help a god damn thing! In fact it makes me feel worse because it makes me feel like it’s my fault I feel this way. It’s not like I woke up one day and thought, “You know what? I want to feel like the deepest pile of shit in the universe. I think I’ll purposely let things get to me and will make sure to definitely not keep my chin up.”

Another thing that’s really bothering me is that I was trying to share my good evening with my dad tonight, so I took a few pics of our wonderful food and my margarita (he likes margaritas as much as I do).  He texted me back and said he was in the doctor’s office and would look at them later.  Okay, I understand that.  I asked him about half an hour ago (5 hours after the pics were sent) if he’d looked at them yet.  He said, “Not yet.  I was tired when I got home from the doctor’s so I took a nap.”  How long does it take to look at a few pictures your daughter sent you of her nice evening so you could share in her excitement?  Apparently too long… that’s time that could be spent napping.  This happens frequently.  I send them texts or pictures or try to call them on Skype (as they’re in a different country & I miss them) and they’re taking a nap & don’t look at what I’ve sent them or don’t answer the Skype call.  It hurts.  I want to be able to share my good times with them.  They don’t happen every day.  It’d be nice to know they were happy for me and interested in what I’m doing and how I’m doing.

So I guess I’ll go cry myself to sleep since I don’t have any codeine and I promised my husband not to take that much again anyway.  Yay!  What a great fucking day!

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Sinking again

Well now my husband’s depression has kicked into full gear and he’s on a downward spiral. I was on the way back up and in the past, I’ve been up when he’s been down. This time I’m going back down. I hadn’t been up long enough to be stable and strong. I feel so awful. He needs me to be strong for him and I truly want to be, but I don’t think I can this time.
When we met I asked him to quit smoking before I would date him. Smoking is just something I really despise. Today he smoked a cigarette. He asked my permission, but really I didn’t have the option to say no. I tried. He just made me feel so shitty and guilty until I gave in. Now I’m disgusted. I didn’t even want to look at him when he came in. I could smell it on his breath and it made me feel sick to my stomach.
Now I’ve taken 5 paracetamol with codeine. I would’ve taken more, but that’s all we have. I also took 50 Quiet Life tablets. I kind of wish I’d overdose, but they’re just herbs so I know nothing will happen. I really wish we had more codeine. I just want to not feel anything right now.

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Reader appreciation award

I have been nominated for a Reader Appreciation Award by SparrowInTheSnow. This was one of the first blogs I discovered when I started blogging on WordPress.  I really enjoy reading.  Make sure to give her a follow!

1. Include the award logo somewhere in your blog.
2. Answer these 10 questions, below, for fun if you want to.
3. Nominate 10 to 12 blogs you enjoy. Or you pick the number.
4. Pay the love forward: Provide your nominee’s link in your post and comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been included and invited to participate.
5. Pay the love back with gratitude and a link to the blogger(s) who nominated you.

The Questions…

  1. What is your favourite colour?  pink or purple
  2. What is your favourite animal?  cat
  3. What is your favourite non-alcoholic drink?  apple juice
  4. Facebook or Twitter?  both
  5. Favorite pattern?  no idea
  6. Do you prefer getting or giving presents?  giving
  7. Favorite number?  3
  8. Favorite day of the week?  Saturday
  9. Favorite flower?  daisy
  10. What is your passion?  helping people and animals
I nominate the following blogs :